The Team Approach to Parenting!

"I believe our children should put all their effort into education.  It's the only way they can be successful in life," she says.  "I believe it's extremely important for our children to be well-rounded with sports and have opportunities to use different parts of their brains.  They can be successful with their minds and their bodies," he says.  This is just one of MANY differences that moms and dads have when raising their children.  Parents are worried that constant conflict in raising children will cause their children confusion.

However, it is not a bad thing for our children to see the world through different perspectives from the people who love them the most:  their parents.  There is a reason why God created a Mom and a Dad for each child.  Kids need to experience rules, expectations, fun, and discipline from a variety of viewpoints to be ready for the different things they'll face as adults.

Here are 4 good examples to help relieves parents of that worry that their children will be scarred because of mom and dad being so different:

1.  Children need to learn balance in their lives.  Let's look at Johnny.  He only saw a parent who worked long, hard hours, had a rigid schedule, and was successful in the business world.  He grew up learning what it takes to have self-discipline and be a CEO of a company, but he now has a hard time keeping a marriage together.  Or, let's look at Jeremy.  He had a parent who lived life to the fullest.  His dad was always going surfing or camping or taking his motorcycle out for a spin.  He didn't care too much about money, just enough to have fun on.  Jeremy grew up learning how to have fun and make memories, but school was just too boring to even think of going on to a career.  But, what if these 2 young men had one of each of these types of parents?  They would've been able to experience the dedication it takes to focus on a career and work hard for their employer, but there is also a time for relaxing and enjoying fun times as well.

2.  Children need to understand how to use their emotions.  All of our emotions are important and are signals that warn us that something needs to be changed, acted upon, or continued.  Moms and Dads react very differently.  Mom might become very nurturing and sympathetic when her 7 yr old son scrapes his knee.  But Dad might tell that son in the same scenario that he's going to be fine and he'll scrape his knees 100 more times.  Neither reaction is wrong.  A child needs to feel loved and safe when he gets hurt.  But a child also needs to be reassured that he will fall and get back up many more times.  If a child only sees and hears one reaction every time, he will dismiss the other as being the wrong way to handle a situation.  By having both parents reacting in different ways, a child can appreciate both ways.

3.  Children need to witness healthy conflict.  Everyday, moms and dads have differences of opinions:  "Dishes are washed a certain way".   "This is how you wash yourself in the shower".  "This is how you talk to the elderly".  "That outfit is meant to be worn for playing only, not church", etc. etc.  It is healthy for children to observe their parents talking out and working through daily conflicts than to see them give each other the silent treatment out of fear that arguing is wrong.  When I ask my clients how their parents argued, some will say that they never really saw their parents fight and it's difficult for them to understand how to fight fair.  Or, they saw their parents become abusive towards one another, so they have a fantasy thought that it is wrong to have conflict at all.

4.  Children need to know and appreciate how different families live.  Mom may have been raised in the country, where everyone had animals, miles of adventures in the woods a children.  Dad may have been an immigrant from another country and was raised in the city while his parents created a business.  There is no better way for a child to learn different cultures and ways of life than from their respective grandparents and the values and beliefs that their parents carry from them - even if they are so vastly different.

So, parents, it is time to stop trying to make your spouse believe and act the same way that you do! Together, you are stronger and offer the best that God has for your child!

Cassandra "Sandi" Burchfield

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www.familylifecounselingcenter.com