Debunking the Myths of Therapy

I've often wondered why it's so hard for us to see the importance of getting a mental health checkup.  Our brain and our mind are THE MOST IMPORTANT things for us to be alive.  To feel alive.  Our mind tells us when/where/why/how we do things.  Little daily things like, "Wake up" or "I'm Hungry".  Mediocre things like, "I need to say hi to my boss when I see him this morning." or "Remember to give the kids their field trip money".  Major things like, "Call Susie and tell her you love her before she flies out tonight" or "I am not going to let this affect me the rest of my life".
So, what keeps people from finding a personal marriage and family therapist or mental health counselor to help them with their goals & finding solutions, just like they go to their dentist to keep their teeth clean and healthy?

1.  I'm fine.  I have a good family.  I was raised in a good environment.  I'm an adult and should know how to fix my problems by now.  These things may all be true.  Some problems can be taken care of by exercising, eating right, and having a support system; much like we can take care of basic first aid, such as a bee sting, a minor cut, or a burn from the stove.  But, what if you've done everything you and your family/friends know to do, and your 3 yr old is STILL not sleeping through the night or you've read every marriage blog and book out there and you and your husband are still arguing about the same issues and you're both about to just give up?    Just like a good mother would take her child to the doctor if that cut becomes infected, a committed wife should seek out a marriage therapist to keep her family from being destroyed by unspoken issues.

2.  If I admit I'm having problems, people will think I'm weak or that I'm crazy.  It would be strange to think of someone who has cancer as being crazy because they undergo chemotherapy or to look down upon a parent because he/she takes their child to get braces on their teeth.  When we have problems with coughing and breathing, we go to a doctor to see if it's bronchitis.  Because we have to deal with people who are of different cultures, different backgrounds, and different socio-economic statuses at our jobs and in our schools, we WILL have problems with people and within ourselves from time-to-time.  We can save ourselves a lot of time and heartache if we go directly to someone who can help us sort through those frustrations and misunderstandings before we lose relationships, friendships, and our own children.

3.  Most anxiety, depression, or other mental health disorders have a biological component and can just be treated by my primary doctor.  Nothing is more frustrating than going from doctor to doctor, and then specialist after specialist, only to find that there is nothing "wrong" with you and yet, you are still having physical ailments, infertility problems, or weight issues.    Mental health problems are not caused by solely bad genes or a biological chemical imbalance, according to the research we have to date.  Most medications (with a few notable exceptions, such as those prescribed for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia) prescribed for mental disorders should be taken for short-term (under a year) symptom relief. **It is important to note that it was never meant for a person to be on psycho-tropic meds such as anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills forever.  They are only to help stabilize your moods, until you work with a trained professional such as a marriage & family therapist, mental health counselor, or psychologist to learn coping skills and how to handle what life gives to you individually.

In fact, many physical ailments, such as diabetes, gastro-intestinal problems, infertility, migraines, high blood pressure, joint pains, are caused by anxiety, depression, or another mental health disorder.  Our minds are THAT POWERFUL!!!  We MUST learn to listen to our bodies.  If we are continuously getting sick, our bodies may be telling us it's time to sit with a therapist or counselor to get to the root issues that we are unaware of.  Just like psycho-tropic meds only serve a temporary purpose, other medical treatments only resolve surface symptoms, while the root cause of your physical ailments remains untreated until you seek out mental health treatment.

4.  Mental health disorders are labels that are life-long and difficult to treat.  Just like the flu comes and goes or cancer can go into remission, mental health disorders are very similar.  Parenting stress comes and goes.  Anxiety comes and goes.  Depression comes and goes, as difficult times in life occur (a death of a loved one, loss of a job, children leaving for college), but it does NOT have to last forever.  There are many types of mental health treatments that are short-term, often in as little as 6-12 weeks, depending on the nature of the issue.  Even major mental health disorders can be treated in 6-12 months, instead of years.  **It is important, however, to remain active in quarterly, or bi-annual mental health checkups, so a crisis doesn't occur.**

5.  If I seek out a Marriage and Family Therapist to help me with my children, then I must not know what I'm doing as a mother or father.  There are many, many parents and friends who claim to be experts in potty training, disciplining, and building bonds with children.  The problem is that each child and each family is so uniquely different.  There are thousands of different techniques and tools on how to communicate, how to have a healthy argument, or how to raise children.  On top of this, our society is changing at lightening fast speed and books and family traditions often cannot keep up with the new trends in pornography, sexuality, etc. 

A therapist or counselor has been uniquely trained for a minimum of 6 years, had over 3,000 clinical hours of working solely with children, parents, and couples supervision and post-master's supervision to learn how to recognize how individuals interact with each other and impact each other.

By reading this, it lets me know that you've thought that counseling might be of benefit to someone, maybe even for you or your family.  It doesn't hurt to try it out and see all the benefits there are to having regular mental health checkups with your personal therapist.

Sandi has been working with children and teenagers for over 18 yrs and with marriages and couples for over 10 yrs.  She has been married for almost 15 yrs and has 4 children of her own.  For more information regarding counseling, please check out her website at www.familylifecounselingcenter.com

Sex: When Is the Right Time To Have THE TALK with my daughter?!?!

If you're reading this, chances are that NOW is the right time.  Even in today's society, talking about sex is not easy for parents.  As sexualized as our society is, parents are still avoiding having this necessary and very important discussion.  Many times, I'll have a parent with an 8th grader coming in for counseling and say they don't know if it's time to talk to their daughter about sex.  Even a teenager who has been safe-guarded by grounded parents, has a positive, healthy foundation, and a core set of adults as a support group, still needs to have an open communication with her parents long before she becomes an 8th grader.

The SEX talk is not something that should be done over one conversation - one night - or even one weekend.  It is a discussion that should occur over a period of several years.  There is a critical stage in a young girl's life when parents can most reach the tender heart of their daughter and create a strong foundation for her sexuality and how she relates to sex for the rest of her life.  This starts as young as 7-8 yrs old.

Why So Early?

The Copycat Phase	The Counseling Phase	The Coaching Phase
Ages 2-5 yrs old	Ages 6-11 yrs old	Ages 12-Adult
·      Consequential Copying ·      She sticks by your side.  You are the “Almighty who knows everything” ·      She accepts your values and words without question ·      She wants to be like you.	·      Considering Beliefs ·      She wants to understand the “Why?” of your values & beliefs ·      She eagerly wants to do things with you. ·      She forgives your faults easily ·      She’s a sponge and captures/remembers  everything	·      Adjusting Beliefs ·      She seeks out her own identity ·      Wants to find her place in this world ·      Starts to question if she’s been taught the truth or a lie ·      Wants to feel “grown up” and researches on her own through friends/teachers/ mentors/ internet

The Tween Years are the MOST CRITICAL phase for sexual values to be formed!!!  This is the window of opportunity for you as her mom or dad to instill qualities into your daughter beliefs & provide her tools she’ll need to rely on to get her through her adolescent years.

If you wait until she’s 12 yrs old to tell her about her period, you’ll have missed the beauty of telling her that God created women to create life, and that’s WHY we value womanhood.  If you wait until she’s 13 yrs old to tell her about modesty, you’ll have missed the beauty of telling her WHY her body is good and beautiful and worthy of protecting until marriage.  If you wait until she’s 14 yrs old to tell her about sex, you’ll have missed the beauty of telling her WHY God created marriage to be a one man/one woman picture of his love for us.

It’s not that you won’t be able to try to form her values after she’s 13 yrs old, however, the world will have already issued her a fairly strong answer to the “WHY’s” in her heart if you haven’t.  Restructuring her value system after 13 yrs old is a lot more difficult than building it from the ground up.

We live a very active life and I don’t have time to spend one-on-one time with my daughter.

It takes a lot of time to answer the question “WHY”, but’s it’s so important to invest this time.  It can be the 20 min on her way to school every morning.  It can be the last 20 min before she goes to bed.  It can be the 20 min drive-thru run in-between school and athletic activities.  

Parents who can’t take this time now, will likely see their daughters spending this time with her friends or other people who have given her that time as a tween.  You will have lost the opportunity to build a safe connection for her to retreat to when difficult teen decisions will be made.  She will know that you are not available “even for 3-4 hrs a month” and will seek out others that you may not approve of that are willing to give her that time.

I work with parents and have Mother/Daughter groups to help make this subject much more comfortable to be able to discuss and incorporate into their relationships with each other.  It can be a fun and special topic that the 2 of you can share together in a special bond into her young adult years.

Written by Sandi Burchfield, MS, IMT-1129

Marriage & Family Therapist

clermontcounseling@gmail.com

Website:  www.familylifecounselingcenter.com

The Team Approach to Parenting!

"I believe our children should put all their effort into education.  It's the only way they can be successful in life," she says.  "I believe it's extremely important for our children to be well-rounded with sports and have opportunities to use different parts of their brains.  They can be successful with their minds and their bodies," he says.  This is just one of MANY differences that moms and dads have when raising their children.  Parents are worried that constant conflict in raising children will cause their children confusion.

However, it is not a bad thing for our children to see the world through different perspectives from the people who love them the most:  their parents.  There is a reason why God created a Mom and a Dad for each child.  Kids need to experience rules, expectations, fun, and discipline from a variety of viewpoints to be ready for the different things they'll face as adults.

Here are 4 good examples to help relieves parents of that worry that their children will be scarred because of mom and dad being so different:

1.  Children need to learn balance in their lives.  Let's look at Johnny.  He only saw a parent who worked long, hard hours, had a rigid schedule, and was successful in the business world.  He grew up learning what it takes to have self-discipline and be a CEO of a company, but he now has a hard time keeping a marriage together.  Or, let's look at Jeremy.  He had a parent who lived life to the fullest.  His dad was always going surfing or camping or taking his motorcycle out for a spin.  He didn't care too much about money, just enough to have fun on.  Jeremy grew up learning how to have fun and make memories, but school was just too boring to even think of going on to a career.  But, what if these 2 young men had one of each of these types of parents?  They would've been able to experience the dedication it takes to focus on a career and work hard for their employer, but there is also a time for relaxing and enjoying fun times as well.

2.  Children need to understand how to use their emotions.  All of our emotions are important and are signals that warn us that something needs to be changed, acted upon, or continued.  Moms and Dads react very differently.  Mom might become very nurturing and sympathetic when her 7 yr old son scrapes his knee.  But Dad might tell that son in the same scenario that he's going to be fine and he'll scrape his knees 100 more times.  Neither reaction is wrong.  A child needs to feel loved and safe when he gets hurt.  But a child also needs to be reassured that he will fall and get back up many more times.  If a child only sees and hears one reaction every time, he will dismiss the other as being the wrong way to handle a situation.  By having both parents reacting in different ways, a child can appreciate both ways.

3.  Children need to witness healthy conflict.  Everyday, moms and dads have differences of opinions:  "Dishes are washed a certain way".   "This is how you wash yourself in the shower".  "This is how you talk to the elderly".  "That outfit is meant to be worn for playing only, not church", etc. etc.  It is healthy for children to observe their parents talking out and working through daily conflicts than to see them give each other the silent treatment out of fear that arguing is wrong.  When I ask my clients how their parents argued, some will say that they never really saw their parents fight and it's difficult for them to understand how to fight fair.  Or, they saw their parents become abusive towards one another, so they have a fantasy thought that it is wrong to have conflict at all.

4.  Children need to know and appreciate how different families live.  Mom may have been raised in the country, where everyone had animals, miles of adventures in the woods a children.  Dad may have been an immigrant from another country and was raised in the city while his parents created a business.  There is no better way for a child to learn different cultures and ways of life than from their respective grandparents and the values and beliefs that their parents carry from them - even if they are so vastly different.

So, parents, it is time to stop trying to make your spouse believe and act the same way that you do! Together, you are stronger and offer the best that God has for your child!

Cassandra "Sandi" Burchfield

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/cassandra.burchfield.9
www.familylifecounselingcenter.com